Wake Up With A Purpose (Or Pretend To Have One)
Start your day bright and early, because all the successful people wake up at 5 AM, right? Sure, they don’t mention that they crash at 8 PM, or that their assistants do the real work while they meditate for three hours. But hey, waking up at dawn is obviously the key to success. Set 15 alarms, snooze them all, and finally roll out of bed with the enthusiasm of a sloth—just in time to pretend you’re going to crush it today. Coffee in hand, world dominance can wait till after your third cup.
Plan Your Day Like You’re Elon Musk (But Only Do 10%)
Time-blocking, productivity apps, and 25 different to-do lists are essential, because if you’re not planning every minute of your day, you’re failing at life. Sure, your day will derail by 9 AM when your inbox explodes, but at least you’ll have that beautifully color-coded calendar that makes you look organized. Remember, it’s not about actually doing things—it’s about the illusion of being productive.
Exercise (Your Right to Skip Leg Day)
Fitness is the foundation of a happy life, or so says everyone who sells fitness programs on Instagram. You’ve got two options: either transform into a gym rat and start hashtagging #NoDaysOff, or simply accept that you’ll never understand why people pay to lift heavy objects repeatedly. Instead, walk to the fridge a few extra times a day—it’s practically the same as cardio if you believe hard enough.
Eat Clean, Organic, Gluten-Free, and Sustainably Raised Unicorns
Your diet should be a perfect balance of avacado smoothies, chia seeds, and ethically sourced fairy dust, right? If you’re not paying three times more for organic produce that will rot in your fridge before you get to it, are you even trying? In 2024, food isn’t just sustenance, it’s a lifestyle choice and a social signal. Bonus points if you Instagram your #avocadotoast before realizing you’re broke because it cost $15.
Follow Your Passion (Unless It’s Sleeping or Netflix)
You’ve been told time and time again to “follow your passion.” So what if your passion is binge-watching crime documentaries or becoming a professional napper? Society won’t pay you for those passions. Instead, pick a hobby that looks good on LinkedIn or Instagram. Open an Etsy shop, start a podcast no one asked for, or sell NFTs (are those still a thing?). Remember, it’s not about what you love—it’s about what makes other people think you’re cool.
Be Your Own Boss (But Also Answer To 500 Clients)
The era of the side hustle has exploded. Why be trapped in a 9-to-5 when you can be trapped in a 24/7 grind of freelance gigs, endless emails, and client calls at 11 PM? Entrepreneurship is sold as freedom, but in 2024, it mostly feels like you’re working three jobs to maintain one paycheck. But hey, you get to call yourself a “solopreneur,” and that’s worth its weight in unpaid invoices, right?
Unplug (And Then Immediately Plug Back In)
Tech detoxes are trendy because we all know social media is a vortex of negativity, comparison, and doomscrolling. Take a weekend to “unplug” and post 37 stories about it to prove how zen you are. But don’t worry, once Monday rolls around, you’ll be right back to checking your notifications every 30 seconds because heaven forbid you miss a meme or TikTok trend.
Practice Self-Care (Or Just Buy More Stuff)
Self-care in 2024 means bath bombs, face masks, trips to a fancy place by burning fuel, and $300 weighted blankets. Who needs therapy when you have an array of overpriced skin products that don’t actually work but make you feel like you’re doing something good for yourself? Don’t forget to announce your self-care routine on social media with a #Blessed hashtag, because nothing says mental health like validation from strangers.
Be Mindful (Of How Many Mindfulness Apps You’re Using)
Meditation is supposed to clear your mind and make you more present, but in 2024, there’s nothing more stressful than choosing which meditation app to use. Should you go with Calm, Headspace, or that new app endorsed by a reality star? The irony of needing three apps, a yoga mat, and a $150 essential oil diffuser to relax seems to escape everyone, but you can’t argue with the Zen police.
Save the Planet (By Telling Everyone You’re Saving the Planet)
Sure, you recycle and use a reusable straw, but don’t forget to remind everyone that you’re practically single-handedly solving climate change. Bonus points if you post stories about your thrifted outfits and bamboo toothbrush while secretly ordering fast fashion from Amazon. Saving the environment is more about looking like you care than actually doing anything inconvenient like giving up your international flights.
Be Present (Unless You’re Checking Your Phone)
Being present and living in the moment is the ultimate goal, right? Except, of course, when you need to check if you got any likes on your last post or respond to that email at dinner. Modern life means your brain is always half in the real world and half in the digital one, and if anyone asks, you’re “working on finding balance.” Pro tip: your phone can wait. Probably.
Never Settle (But Also, Don’t Be Too Picky)
In 2024, “never settle” applies to everything: relationships, jobs, even your dinner order. There’s always a better option, a better match on Tinder, or a job that might be slightly less soul-sucking. But if you keep waiting for the perfect thing, you’ll end up alone, unemployed, and hungry, endlessly scrolling for the best sushi place that’s still open at 11 PM. Maybe settling isn’t so bad after all.
Winding Up
There you have it, folks—12 rules to live by in this chaotic, tech-obsessed, and slightly absurd world of 2024. The reality is, no one has life figured out, and that’s perfectly fine. Whether you’re skipping leg day, mindlessly scrolling Instagram while meditating, or pretending to enjoy your overpriced organic kale salad, you’re doing life just right. The secret isn’t in mastering these rules but in realizing that everyone’s just winging it—so go ahead, wing it too.
